Writers bore: that thing that happens to me during the day when I’m supposed to be working on a blog post for a client but I’d rather be blogsurfing or twittering (because those things are more fun than doing legal research)
Writers block: that part of the creative process where I’m considering killing my story (or myself) because I’m afraid of what will happen if I get it right
I’m in the middle of reading Havi Brooks’ Procrastination Dissolve-o-Matic* because A) she was nice enough to gift me a copy, B) I have a crush on her duck, and C) I would someday like to outgrow the motto I stole from Ellen DeGeneres’ Here and Now stand-up performance that goes “procrastinate now; don’t put it off.”
If you’ve been reading here a while you might remember that I’m working on a novel. Some of you who know me well have read it. A few of you have been nice enough to tell me it doesn’t suck.
I should clarify, by ‘working on a novel’ I mean I wrote a first draft in a couple of weeks at the beginning of the year when I was bedridden with illness and never looked at it again.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of my nighttime naps and think of things I should change. I dictate notes to myself. In the morning the two sides of my brain arm-wrestle. Should I open the novel document or get cracking on corporate tasks? The corporate side of my brain has won for many months now, which is ironic since the novel is about escaping corporate life.
It’s not that the corporate half of my brain is bigger or stronger. It’s scarier. It knows how to talk to the arTEESTe** side of me and twist its arm into giving in. I’m convinced it also whispers subliminal messages, asking questions like “What would your life be like if you got this thing right?”
My life could change, and on some level that terrifies me.
I, the mightychick who quit her paralegal career on a whim and hopped a greyhound bus (smuggling a pet rabbit on board) to go to San Francisco with the attitude that she’d rather be a homeless poet than continue to work in corporate hell, am afraid of what might happen if my novel about escaping Corporate America comes true.
In a dream last night, I had a conversation with myself. As in, I sat down at a table and talked to someone who looked just like me. She (this clone that was me) told me a secret: my novel has already come true.
I have already gotten it right in life. Getting it right on paper is a whole other thing.
I began reading Havi’s ebook on Tuesday when she sent it to me. I was sitting at the library, where I was procrastinating on research I was doing for a lawyer. Writers bore (or researchers bore, as the case was) prompted me to crack the ebook’s cover and dive in on the spot. I sat and read about a half of it, blogsurfed a while, then joined in at Liz’s open comment night where (in perfect irony) the topic was Shiny Objects Syndrome.
Tuesday night the dreams started, and I’ve had a different version of the dream every night since. I’m sitting at a table talking to myself. The first night I told myself the laptop I have my novel file stored in was stolen and the thumb drive had gone missing. I asked myself in the morning what it would mean if I lost the novel. The next night’s dream found me in a similar conversation, only I told myself one of the main characters in my book had died and I would have to write a eulogy. I won’t bore you with the rest, but I’ll tell you I’ve woken up each morning in a very vulnerable, fragile feeling place. And that isn’t me.
I have wanted to finish reading Havi’s ebook all week because it’s absolutely awesome thus far, and I wanted to review it here before Sunday night when the introductory price is raised to the full price. I carved out time Thursday to finish reading it, and right before that allotted time I had a seizure. It wasn’t a major one, but any seizure hurts my head badly enough that I can’t read and comprehend information simultaneously for several hours afterward. I set aside more time to read the ebook yesterday morning and woke up with a migraine. Maybe I have just been procrastinating on finishing the reading, but I have to think my mind and body were ganging up to tell me I just wasn’t ready. (This translates into ‘I’m sorry, but no review for you. Instead you get to read this boring story.’)
Today I opened the novel document. I read the whole thing through for the first time since I wrote it. I hated most of it. I copy/pasted the entire thing into a new document and got rid of about half of it, rewrote parts of it entirely, changed the middle of the plot drastically. I killed one of my main characters and turned her into a completely different person.
Now I’m stuck. And I’m afraid to go to bed, because I’m scared of what I might tell myself in my sleep.
I’m going to read some more of Havi’s ebook now. Perhaps not-so-oddly enough, the chapter I’m on is entitled “The 3-part method (what to do in a state of distress).”
Have you ever feared getting it right?
* The link to Procrastination Dissolve-o-Matic is an affiliate link, which means I will earn a commission if you purchase the ebook through this link. If you think affiliate links are from the devil and prefer to purchase the ebook without helping me profit, feel free to do so via Havi’s blog at fluentself.com. I promise not to lose sleep over it.
**The word arTEESTe is borrowed from the James Chartrand dictionary.
P.S. Since posting this I’ve received a few concerned emails. I should probably note that the seizure disorder and migraines are preexisting conditions and that if you buy Havi’s stuff, it probably won’t cause you any physical ailments. 
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What are you talking about? The book was fantastic! I read it straight through and I didn’t get reader’s bore. Clearly though, your dreams are telling you that it’s time to polish that book and let the people read it. All the people! I am positive that you’ll get it published. You just need the right agent and publisher. A small press, California. There are tons here!
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Hi Amy - Let me share some great advice I was given on a writing course this year: If you’re going to start cutting chunks out of your novel - don’t delete it - keep it somewhere else as you never know when you might read it.
I’ve also been procrastinating on my novel. And I know what you mean about the fear of getting it right. My biggest fear is that I’ll have a mediocre book published - it will sell less than a thousand copies and nobody will want to publish me again. I guess that’s why I’ve scrapped so many novels in the past - I don’t want to write one of those books that folk get bored with and stop reading halfway through.
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Melissa — Thanks. Really. You rock as a cheerleader.
Not the icky high school kind but, you know, the kind that rock. I really SO need to move back to California. Maybe I’ll try your neck of the woods this time!
Cath — Thank you for the advice. I did copy/paste it into a new document before I killed it. Luckily…. I think a big problem I have is that I don’t make a good commercial novelist. I know how I could change the book around so it would sell, but I don’t want to do that. It would lose the soul of the story. I think I have to be willing to kill it though before I’ll ever get anywhere with it. Maybe I’m wrong but it’s just a feeling I have… Thanks for letting me vent.
I understand your fears, believe me. I’ve scrapped several too for the same reason…. But I think you’re probably safe on the 1000 copies thing. You’ve gotta have at LEAST 1001 fans online. 
Very deep. Good advice about hanging on to your words and not just scarping them - you never know what they might transform into at some later date.
Keep being true to yourself when writing your novel. It will all fall into place if you do. The creative process can really feel uncomfortable at times.
I never knew you just left your paralegal career and moved to San Fransico like that. Wow. You’re my new shero.
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Oops, I menat “scrapping.”
Avid Writer’s last blog post..Selling Your Own Products
Hey Kimberly! The moving to SF on a whim story is one I like to tell a lot, because it’s the one cool thing I’ve ever done.
What sort of creative writing do you do? Sounds like you’re speaking from experience…
See, Amy, stuff gets revealed — even while we’re in rapid eye movement. I had a dream last night that my client fired me and I knew it was coming. Lately I’ve been entangled in some sticky thoughts. Just can’t seem to rid myself of the worries. It has caused some mental lethargy and this has me unable to spill words on the page as I’d like. And obviously I need to write and get paid. Not good.
My last article was a feature in a national magazine and upon reading it last Friday, I couldn’t even crack a smile. Realized today (will spare you what my trigger was) that I’m anxious about the impending change coming my way. Seems I sense it coming. Nelson Mandela once spoke on how some of us don’t fear failing as much as we fear succeeding. That message has been recycled, reiterated and repackaged.
What if we do get it right? What then?
All this to say, when you publish that book, I know I’ll be giving some serious thought to attending your book launch. The way you apply your craft, and the way you share it tells me it’ll be worth crossing the border. If I know this about your skills, then you must, on some level, know it too.
Um, no pressure though.
Saada, thank you so much for stopping by. What you said really touched me.
As I was reading this I thought of what you said — “this has me unable to spill words on the page as I’d like” — and I thought, “Wow. You spilled them quite well here.” Then my reaction to my own thought was to think we all see things, including ourselves, so differently.
I have friends who have read my writing and have been genuinely impressed/moved/whatever. My writing doesn’t affect me in that same way. I can’t help but wonder what people think when they read your words, whether you’re feeling bad about your writing because you feel bad in general right now — or whether your writing really is suffering. Either way, I know it’s a painful place to be.
I’ve never heard of Nelson Mandela but will look the name up now… I’m curious.
I’ve had the prophetic types of dreams you speak of, where I know the bad thing is coming in waking life next. (Maybe I’m odd, but I tend to believe that the lives we live when we’re asleep are just as significant as the ones we live when we’re awake.) I could feel the anxiety as I read this, because I could relate so much.
Maybe it is a good thing, that you know to be prepared. I love to live in denial at times, because ignorance is bliss, but sometimes a little fear (or a lot) can inspire some planning.
Maybe we’ll cross those borders together.
Grins, I have lots of novels in progress (that have amazingly been in the same state of progress for quite a while). I actually finished one–an ending I liked, polish, polish, read and critiqued by readers, the whole nine yards–only to realize I had no idea what to do with it at that point.
I’m glad I’ve figured out how to make it as a blogger writing for myself, because there are no rules about what I have to be working on at any given time. I jump from project to project, and with blogging, you hardly ever have to “finish” anything longer than a single post, which makes it peeerfect for me.
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Hi Lindsay — Thanks for stopping by! That freedom not to have to finish anything longer than a single post is indeed perfect. I totally hear ya.
Amy I am “half working” on a novel. The idea came from a very strange dream. I usually forget my dreams quite easily (I used to keep a dream journal to help with this) but this dream was not one that I could forget. ..
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I think I fear getting it wrong more than write, er right. I make my living writing technical manuals and getting it wrong is a disaster. I do understand Bore and Block. Both are bad. Both stifle. I find going for a long walk can help eliminate both.
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Squawkfox — Thanks for visiting! I can understand in your case how getting it wrong could sometimes be a bigger disaster than getting it right.
I like walking too.
Kimberly — Those very strange dreams we just can’t forget CAN be inspiring, can’t they? Can’t wait to read it someday. I’m intrigued!
I agree with Squawkfox. Walking away for a while, getting the fresh air and new perspective, is a great stress reliever.
I’ve definitely been afraid of getting it right, but like Squawkfox and others, I’m more afraid of getting it wrong. I *know* first drafts mean that revision is possible, but that doesn’t make the first draft any easier. I still get doubts about the end result. Usually I just trudge through the first draft so I can get to the fun part of revision.
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Graphoniac — Thanks for visiting! I think you’re the other half of my writing-brain. I love first drafts. It’s the revision I hate.
I never worry about getting blog posts right - I just kinda knock them out when the mood takes me and then correct mistakes at a later date. Yeah, lazy and unprofessional, but I want my blogging to have a chatty feel to it so the odd grammar error won’t hurt.
But I do worry about getting websites right. I’m an employed software engineer by day and I have a load of ideas for sites that I could build in my spare time for some extra income - they are still ideas at the moment and will probably stay that way until I can beat the feeling that I’ll spend a while building them and they’ll flop. Fear holds me back.
I procrastinate terribly. In fact, I probably spend most of my procrastinating time reading posts about getting things done. There’s something really wrong with that!
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Hey Steve! Thanks for visiting. I had a look around your hearing aid website and blog. Good stuff you have going on there.
I tend to giggle at procrastination and time-management blogs. I think the same as you. And I think fear holds a lot of us back. Other times, I wish I had more fear, about things like starting websites and blogs and such. I tend to get an idea and run with it (usually around 3am) and then wake up the next day thinking “why did I think this was a good idea again?” Sigh. There has to be a middle ground somewhere, eh? 
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