Apr
10
The Best Laid Plans
Filed Under writing from home
(Disclaimer: This post is all about me and will do nothing for your writing career. I promise.)
I’m tired and cranky, so I’m stealing from mouse writers to come up with post titles. I’m also stealing MasterCard’s Priceless concept, as well as potentially inaccurate information and bridge images from Wikipedia. Sue me. Please. A lawsuit will be a nice diversion.
Hiring HELP last week was a wise move. Came just in time for the personal meltdown and family tragedies which have cluster-fucked me into a state of non-productivity so vast I lack the proper adjective. I’ve tried on lackluster and useless, but they’re both a little tight around the neckline.
For those of you not yet in the know, my week began with rushing my mother to the hospital. I’m grateful to say I don’t have to eulogize her yet, and that’s as deep as I’m going because I’m determined not to spend another day in tears. No. I will put on my big girl pants and go out to play with the big kids, just the way my Mommy taught me.
Speaking of big kids, I’m having self-delusional visions of quitting this whole freelance game to permanently hang out with my three-year-old niece. I’ve spent a lot of time with her over the past few days, and I’ve got to say that if anyone’s looking for a savior, she’s better than any drug. When I’m with her, the sky is a pancake and the trees have eyes. She’s autistic and can barely speak, but when she talks what comes out of her matters. And when she’s silent all you’ve got to do is look her in the eye to know she really gets this whole life thing. When she laughs I cry, because she’s so genuine. I wish I knew what it was like to be that happy.
I’m digressing into depression. It’s a bad dark place. There are monsters under my bed and skeletons in the closet, despite the fact that I don’t believe in demons and have no secrets. I don’t say this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me or because I seek consolation — because there’s nothing anyone could do or say to make me feel better — but rather because for every personal post I write I get dozens of emails from folks thanking me for letting them know they’re not alone. If my pain can be transformed into a lifeline, who am I to remain silent?
I know some of you may be thinking, “Is she ever going to stop talking about herself? Is she ever going to go back to writing something useful that will help me make money writing?” I know at least a few are wondering, because I’ve received a couple of not-so-kind emails to this effect. Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you, because I’m not sure where I’m going with this.
While I was laid up with mono a few months ago, I had a lot of time to think. I was too sick to do anything else, including post here. One of the things I thought was that it is stupid for me to have a website and blog about freelance writing. There are a billion sites and blogs about freelance writing, and I don’t have or know anything special that those other site owners and bloggers don’t have. Since this isn’t a money-making endeavor for me, and I don’t do this to bring in business, there’s really no point in wasting my time. I’m already overworked, and writing this blog was starting to feel like another job. I tell the dozen or so people per day who ask me if they should pursue this or that “if you enjoy it, go for it; if you don’t, let it go.” I thought it was about time I take my own advice. I decided to keep this blog but to personalize it. If you enjoy it, great. If not, there are thousands of other blogs you can read. It’s really as simple as that. I’m not here to impress anyone with my stats or to win contests.
Until this past week, I’ve been agonizing over decisions which now seem utterly stupid. The fear of death seems to be a human motivator, and losing loved ones seems to inspire action. Or so the Pen Men proved yesterday. Harry and James sometimes talk about rolling the dice to make decisions. I’m not a gamer, so I don’t have dice. But I do have coins, and this week I’m using them for more than buying bad coffee from hospital vending machines.
I know this post is all over the place, but my mind is out of segues, and I’ve never been good with structure. My point:
Sometimes the best laid plans get shot to hell. The hurricane hits your house. The kids get sick. The client who once loved you suddenly decides you’re a big fat loser. By all means, have a survival kit. Have the first aid supplies ready and the back-up army on call. But don’t be so rigid that you can’t cope with change. Because sometimes you don’t get a choice.
When that force of nature sweeps you off your feet, you may find yourself on the other side of a strange continent. You may wake up on the edge of an unfamiliar bridge, staring down into dark waters and the open mouths of sharks. Hopefully you’ll see the signs, and you’ll make the decision not to jump.
I keep telling myself if I jump, the consequences could be tragic. If it helps you, tell yourself that too.
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51 Responses to “The Best Laid Plans”
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About Amy Derby
Formerly a corporate paralegal, I ditched the pantyhose to begin freelancing in 2004. I enjoy long walks to the coffee maker, never setting an alarm clock, and not wearing a bra to the (home) office. I can be reached at amy.derby (at) gmail.com.
I won’t go into deep messages of support, because 1) I don’t think you’re the type of girl to want them and 2) I’ve never been the type to feel comfortable giving them in public.
If you need a shoulder, you know my email. If you want someone who understands the shoe box lid closing over you, you know my email.
I guess you really did need the “kiropracktic bunnehs” yesterday. I’ll have to find some more to send.
Ditto what James said.
Harrison McLeod’s last blog post..Keeping Up When Your Blog Takes Off
1) You’re right, and 2) I’m with you. 3) I may take you up on that.
And Ditto to Harold, because I was typing when you typed. And yes, I printed that out and hung it on my wall. You fucking rock.
Amy
You are right about there being a lot of How-to’s out there and that I could read any of them.
Some of them I do.
I don’t need you to teach me anything.
I read you because your heart and spirit come through in your words, when you are teaching, laughing or crying.
I am sorry you are going through a horrible time. I am sending you a cyber-hug, and more importantly thoughts and prayers.
Your readers aren’t going anywhere,take some AMY time,take care of yourself and your family.These are the times when priorites become fine-tuned like a laser beam. You aren’t all over the place. You are seeing very clearly.It’s just not something we are accustomed to doing.
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..Before the Play is Done
Wendi - Thanks. You’re very sweet. And you’re right… not accustomed.
About ten years ago I published my first novel. The biggest paper in the UK announced that I was “hot” and gave me debut of the week. I then got a job at my “dream” university, and basically thought I was the bee’s knees. I had arrived!
How wrong and silly I was. Five years later I had been dumped by my publisher, burned out totally at my job and boy did I have a bad case of black dog.
Despite pressure to get back on the career-merry-go-round I set up as a freelance hackwriter: journalism, blogging, translating, even the odd bit of teaching here and there just to get by. Mostly I hung out with four basset hounds who chased that black dog away.
I’ve learned that a career based on scratching words has highs and lows. Lots of them. There are times when I feel like I’ve mucked up big time trying to go it freelance instead of jumping on the corporate train (especially when I have to do a job I hate to feed my dogs). But there are times when everything goes like a dream.
I think I am saying that freelancing is swings and roundabouts. I have to remind myself to enjoy the ups and not get too fixated on the downs. If nothing else, freelancing is an incredibly humbling experience.
I hope things pick up for you.
Oh, Amy. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I’ll light a candle for her.
Jon - Thanks. Very true, wise words you have. Pat those hounds for me. I so very badly wish I wasn’t allergic to dogs. I do have my rabbits, and they keep me sane. Well, sane being a relative term.
But I get where you’re coming from. Humbling… very! Thanks for stopping by.
Mer - Thanks. Warning: now that I have your new number I may use it.
Hi Amy, I guess there’s nothing I can add. I’m only 19, so I guesss I’m not really in a position to impart any life wisdom
And I know nothing I could say could help, anyway. Only that… I feel your pain.
I stumbled across this website and your personal blog a week or so ago, and have found you to be an infinitly interesting and funny person. Your blogs are more interesting than any others I’ve come across.
Your honesty and transparancy (and subsequently your writing) is very moving. Hang in there. There’s people who care
Ross’s last blog post..Getting Rid of the Clutter - Getting Rid of Redundancies
Ross - Thanks. You’ve added plenty. There are so many times that words are useless. Seriously, I say that all the time.
I am very impressed that you are 19. I’d have thought you were older from reading your blog. Then again, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I felt ancient at 19!! Now I feel about 80. 
Thanks for the comment, and the compliments. Always nice to hear that transparency is a good thing. Most folks in my life don’t see it that way. They wish I came with a mute button. LOL
Ross’s last blog post..Getting Rid of the Clutter - Getting Rid of Redundancies
Amy -
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. And I’ve been there many times with depression, so I know that there isn’t anything anyone can really say to make it better.
But I hope knowing that we care helps. I’m a good listener, so email me if you ever need to vent.
And for selfish reasons, I’m glad you’re not dropping this blog altogether, though I wouldn’t blame you if you did. It sounds like you’ve got too much else to worry about.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers
holli jo’s last blog post..How to Get Started as a Freelance Blogger
Holli - Thanks. I appreciate it. Depression does suck, doesn’t it? I’ll be ok. And I don’t plan on dropping this blog. At least not yet.
Amy,I have battled so many similar challenges lately - got the flu, contemplated life & my place in it, rethought blog strategy (decided same thing you did), had a loved one commit suicide…Oh yeah it’s been a wonderful two weeks. So, I offer support, a listening ear if you want one and the encouragement to keep blogging to the beat of your own inner voice.
Karen - I am so sorry about the suicide. And all the rest. Thank you for offering your support. That is very sweet of you. I an hanging in there. Today has been the best day so far, so I am hoping it will keep getting better. hope you are doing ok!!
Amy,
What planet have I been on? Sorry to be hearing about this late, because I’ve been thinking about you and wondering what’s up. (Pay attention, Kelly…)
You’ve emailed me from the airport before. Email if you ever feel too near a bridge.
Sending hugs for you and wishes for your Mom and hopes that snarkier, sunnier days will return to you soon,
Kelly
(Yes, use that black humor as your sword! It’s a mighty weapon!)
Kelly’s last blog post..Inspiration Points: Tax Tips
Kelly - Thanks. Amen to the black sword of dark humor. You drink right? Have one for me.
Amy,
The world is a better place because of your writing, and because of you. Anyone who wrote to you saying “get over this and get writing again” needs a shake. You’re a human being, and a *great* one at that.
Sometimes life knocks the wind out of us, and it takes a long time for us to catch our breath again. But you will. I know I do, every time.
Hang in there my friend.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
Darlin’, if you don’t mind, I’ll wait until tomorrow, and have two. If it’ll make you feel better.
Kelly’s last blog post..Inspiration Points: Tax Tips
Brett - Thanks friend. Kiss the blondies for me.
Amy - blondies have been kissed, and are sleeping soundly. Some nice pics are on the way to you.
Talk with you soon - Brett
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
Amy,
I just read this and thought of you. I’m going to print this out, carry it around with me for a while and try it when stressed, which is too often right now. Don’t know, but it might be handy:
http://www.successful-blog.com/1/getting-unstuck-clear-thoughts-during-chaos/
Hope you are off resting, nowhere near the computer right now.
Until later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Inspiration Points: Tax Tips
Kelly - thank you!!! And thanks for all beverages consumed on my behalf before the take down of the Pen Mens blog got busted by Harold, the ever present voice of reason!!! Your link. Very cool… I am nowhere near computer but the iPhone never leaves my side. I ignore those I hate and respond only to the good ones. Shhh don’t tell.
Brett - I know I told you in the email but thank you again for the pics. I love those blondies!!! I can tell Ian apart from Owen now!! LOL
Good night friends.
Amy - Like you yourself said, none of us can say anything to make you feel better. Personal bouts with depression taught me that as well. What we can do is support you and laud you for exposing your very personal fears and thoughts to us, your online friends.
I have the utmost respect for bloggers that offer their expertise to readers. I also have insane respect for bloggers like you that inject their personality into every post. I read this blog because of that. I try to do that in my own blog. Keep doing what you’re doing - it’s obviously beneficial to you, and a delight to us.
QuietRebelWriter’s last blog post..The Group Scene: Freelancers, Community, and Narcissism
Fellow Amy, fellow rebel - thanks! Very cool of you to say. Seeing Quiet Rebel Writer makes me smile every time, by the way.
I’d think of something more intelligent to say, but my brain beat me to sleep about an hour ago. Or maybe last week sometime. 
Hehe.
Amy,
I’m almost jealous of the iPhone, being one of the world’s biggest Mac fanboys (fangirls? or is fanboy generic?)… but I am too connected as is. Sometimes I’m happy when the home Internet connection is spotty. I can vacuum something and not feel like I’m missing out.
The vac’s broke right now so I hope the Internet keeps working. Otherwise I might have to dust something this weekend. My daughter thinks company’s coming when I do that. (And she’s right.)
Be well,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Beware of Rant!
Kelly - the iPhone is lovely, but it is also very addictive. Maybe you and your nonaddictive personality (which I am super jealous of) would be able to have one and actualy put it away once in a while. I now email from the grocery store, the train, airplanes (as you know, till I get cut off), bed at 4am… When I can’t sleep, I reach over and google. It isn’t healthy. But i have finally gotten to the point where I can ignore the things I want to ignore till the next day. Progress not perfection, as we say in AA… (it is a big excuse!!)
You, the lovely Suit Chick, could probably learn to use one AND vaccuum at the same time!! I don’t clean, don’t vaccuum, can’t find the floor for the piles of books and clothes. So I iphone.
PS, I have never heard the term fanboy, but I would be happy to consult the younger generation.
Or you could ask your daughter, hehe, and then get back to me. Because now I’m curious!!!! 
I think fanboy is a particularly tech geek thing, and maybe even Mac only. I’ll have to look on Wikipedia later. Now, black-houndstooth jacket, lavender t-shirt, and silk pants, out the door and LATE!
Later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Beware of Rant!
Amy,
I’m so glad you liked the pics. Yes, as much as they look alike, Owen has the curly hair and Ian’s is pin-straight. Both of them are always grinning though. And then there’s my Aimee, and Cameron…
miss them today.
(from the dictionary)
Fanboy (n): see Brett
Fangirl (n): see Kelly
(we both like Macs, I will be getting one very soon…)
Talk with you soon my friend.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
Oh no, don’t be late!! (Does it matter if you are late?)
I don’t miss owning a watch…
The attire sounds lovely. I am glad you aren’t one of those chicks who blathers on about how great and slimming black is. (Do you do that when I am not watching?!?!)
I think black is ugly, and usually not very flattering. That black and red wool concept sounded cool though. Black is good when it is with red… except on me, the queen of pale.
Happy Friday! Have a good day!!
Brett - stop typing when I type. :-p I think the twinlike boys were in hats the time I couldn’t tell them apart?? Or maybe just hadn’t had enough coffee… Speaking of which…
Thanks for the dictionary a la Brett. LOL I don’t have a mac or know anything about macs, so I will explain my ignorance away with that disclaimer!!
Have a good day friend, although I assume you have been up for six hours already!!!
Amy,
Deal
it was probably just lack of coffee… when I don’t have enough coffee, and I’m trying to call one of them by name, I’ll often have to run through the list of names… one by one… and I’ll hear, “I’m not Cameron! I’m not Owen!”, until I get it right LOL just like a grandmother does it.
Oh, Macs are computers that work really well just like your iPhone. I’m sure if you get one someday you will like it.
Yes, you have a good day too - talk with you soon
(I “slept in” today until 5:00 am hee hee)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..on being grounded.
Brett - Don’t feel bad, friend. I do that with the rabbits!!! One has learned to come when I call any name, just to make sure she gets a carrot!!!!
From what the stress management chick said yesterday, this is something stressed people of any age do (lose their memories). I feel 80 some days. Stress? Nah… 
I’m going to go take a bath. It is on my list. 
Amy.here is somt warm positive comming your way.I been where you have been many times,just refer back to my comments posted on common ties.If thing get worse you know you can get in touch with me as well.all of us out here in blog land care.You are right jumping would have a lot of consequences.
1) I’d lose a person I care about.
2) blogland would lose a great person.
3)we all care about you and we all would lose someone special.
mike golch’s last blog post..what a day
Mike - thanks! I am doing much better. So no worries.
Life can suck, and I’m glad you’re doing what you need to do. We have to be authenticate and true to ourselves. I have been wondering about you. I hope your mom is okay. I will always read your stuff ’cause I like you. Your spirit does shine through your writing. Mike is right, we care and would miss you. Anyway, I’m not to far away down the highway, if you need anything. E
Ellen Wilson’s last blog post..Why Good Writing Matters - Case Study, “Stuff White People Like”
Ellen - thanks! All is well now, so no worries. I will be backto half-speed soon.
Have a good weekend!!
Hey Amy,
I’ve always believed we should just write from our heart and if even one lone reader benefits from it, we’ve accomplished what we were born to do, eh?
I actually forget how or where I came across your site, but I’m so glad I found you! You’ve been such an inspiration and have taught me so much. I’m still amazed at your strength and your ability to conquer and overcome (and your attitude of “I don’t care what others think!”).
Some of those other readers who are griping don’t care about what you’re going through and they may think you’re weak for talking about it, but I see strengths and a mindset to keep going, to keep fighting, and to win. You’re a winner, Amy! You always will be in my eyes.
And, if those rude folks who keep e-mailing you, telling you how and what to write, continue with their wacky, thoughtless words, just keep deleting. What they say doesn’t matter anyway! This is your blog, your words, your heart and like you said if they don’t want to read it there’s lots of other blogs along the cyber highway. We can’t please everyone. I’ve learned that from you, too!
Personalizing a blog is fine, I think. I feel it’s even better! Like the others above have said, we’d miss you if you weren’t here. We do care!
I look forward to lots more posts from you, from your heart.
Smiles & Blessings,
Michele
Thanks Michele - you’re very sweet. And yes, that delete button does come in handy!!!
You’re welcome. Anytime.
Have a great weekend!
Hey Amy,
You are going through a rough time, that’s for sure. I hope it helps in some small way to know that I care. If you need someone to unload on, you know where to find me.
I admire your courage in just telling it like it is. Life really does suck out loud sometimes. This is your piece of cyberspace, and I think you should do whatever you want with it.
Take care.
Jodee - Thank you. You’re very sweet. I am fine now. I just haven’t felt like blogging about writing. Probably because I haven’t felt like writing.
glad that you are doing well.like I said if you need an eye and wanna”talk” just drop a line you know I will answer.
mike golch’s last blog post..Hammered Dulcimer and Celtic, Too
AMY!
Come out and be snarky everywhere. I miss you.
Hugs,
Kelly
Mike - Thanks again. Like your last post. Very cool.
Kelly - Soon.
I catch up with my reader finally and what do I see, a women in major distress. Take it easy Amy, I also won’t bore you with my support messages, but wanted to let you know I do feel for you, whether you care or not.
My lack of time doesn’t allow me for much browsing these days and even less commenting, but your heartfelt message came through to me loud and clear and that is why I’m here right now.
Be safe, take care of yourself and follow your heart, there you go, I couldn’t leave it could I. Hope your mum is ok. Now go ans pend some time with that lovely niece of yours and smell the flowers.
Bug hugs
Monika Mundell’s last blog post..Freelance Writing Blog Crawl - Round Three
Amy,the Hammered Dulicmer has always given me joy,even if is just listening to a tape or c/d.when and if the siezures are under control I’m gonna start playing my Dulicmer again.Yep that picture on my site is mine
mike golch’s last blog post..why me?