May
5
Imaginary Therapist Syndrome for OCD: a Batshit Crazy Guide to Productivity
Filed Under writing from home
I’m on vacation. And I try hard not to do any real work while I’m on vacation. Which, I’ve recently decided, includes blogging about working.
But my new best friend Tei — who is a real person but who hasn’t actually agreed to be my best friend — emailed me the link to her recent post on why freelancers should have imaginary friends. And since I’ve selfishly decided the entire point of her post was to spark my ass back into some semblance of a better blogging routine (by pretending she’s listening when I’m talking to myself out loud from several states away), I had to get to a real computer to blog about this. Otherwise, I’d forget.
If you’re new here, let me catch you up: I am batshit crazy. In addition to other more serious life-debilitating diagnoses, I have OCD with ADHD tendencies. I deal with work, my inbox and blogging all very much the same way; I’m either all over it or I’m hitting the delete button. I get bored in 2.3 seconds, and I have no patience for anything I’m not passionate about. Regarding work: if I hate you or your project, or you piss me off more than once a week, you will be outsourced. Regarding life: same general principles apply, except substitute “outsource” with my showing you the pretty little non-revolving door I mentally pushed you out of last Monday. Either way — I assure you — it isn’t personal. You’ve heard the “It’s not you; it’s me” line from every lover who kicked you to the curb? Well I didn’t sleep with you, but I really mean it. I blame my gene pool and childhood conditioning. I’ve paid approximately 407 therapists over the past decade to tell me so.
Which brings me to my next under-caffeinated, slow-to-reach segue: Imaginary Therapist Syndrome (ITS). I liked Tei right away, because she posted something someplace in the comments of some post here that her therapist is imaginary. This sounded practical to me, so I took it upon myself to stalk her blog. I was not altogether surprised to learn that she has the same first name as my real best friend — who is NOT imaginary and who DOES know she’s my best friend, much to her detriment most days.
My real best friend Taylor’s primary purpose in my life is to keep me from doing stupid shit. She exists to convince me that 3am is NOT the best time to start a new blog just because I’m on a roll. She keeps shiny objects like paperclips out of my reach after midnight, because she knows otherwise I will spend several hours stringing them together or twisting them into stickmen rather than finishing the thing I’m up late to finish. She is the part of my brain I’m missing; the part that knows a pile of rubber bands can exist on its own without having to become a rubber band ball. Without her, I’m all Les Miserables On My Own. This was proved by the “Tay goes to visit her parents and leaves Amy in a heightened state of crash-and-burn workmode” case study I had going on last week. I got 47 things half-finished, fucked up 24 others and had 9000 new ideas I thought were brilliant at the time but have since forgotten because I didn’t write them down.
But now, thanks to the lovely Tei, I too can have an imaginary therapist. I know Taylor will love this, because now she can go visit her mommy out of Jewish guilt without feeling Jewish guilty for leaving me home alone. Tei’s guide is brilliant. Kind of like Be Your Own Boss, but it’s Be Your Own Guru. Read all about it. Or, if you’re super lazy, here’s my favorite part:
“You don’t have to talk to an imaginary person. I understand I am the only person wearing that particular brand of crazy. Try just talking to yourself. Say what you’re doing out loud. It will keep you from going on random tangents, because those thought-jumps make sense in your unconscious mind, where nothing has to be articulated, but once you start saying things out loud like, “I wonder how many pairs of black underwear I actually have. I am going to go look in my underwear drawer right now,” you will pull yourself up short.
Seriously. Try it. If it sounds stupid out loud, it is probably not something that needs your attention.”
And now, dear friends, I resume my vacation mode. At least until tomorrow.
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26 Responses to “Imaginary Therapist Syndrome for OCD: a Batshit Crazy Guide to Productivity”
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About Amy Derby
Formerly a corporate paralegal, I ditched the pantyhose to begin freelancing in 2004. I enjoy long walks to the coffee maker, never setting an alarm clock, and not wearing a bra to the (home) office. I can be reached at amy.derby (at) gmail.com.
Oh Crimmie,
Maybe we should just start a club for all of us who kept our imaginary friends from childhood and just didn’t think we could share that information with anyone.
How many of us are there anyway?
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..False Loves
Hi Amy,
I went on a very circuitous journey to find your blog but am so glad I did.
I love this post….it made me laugh. It is quietly reassuring to discover that there are other (functioning) people in the world who see rubber-band balls and paper-clip-chains where others just see stationery.
Yay! I just got your emails! I will TOTALLY be your internet best friend (I don’t want to invade my doppelganger’s territory. That’s not cool among doppelgangers. As long as we all stick to our respective planes of existence, it’s all good).
Don’t you love it when the parenthetical thought gets longer than the real thought?
Me too. So does my imaginary therapist.
Tei’s last blog post..Talking to Yourself: Why Going a Little Crazy is Good for Freelancers
my imaginary friend cannot hold a candle to my cyber-friends. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
mike golch’s last blog post..google reader,blogger
Wendi - I think it would be a big club house. Now, who is good with a hammer? Because I’m fairly certain I’d lose a thumb. Construction = not my forte.
Mark - I was wondering why I was being stalked by a lawyer in South Africa. Now I know. Phew.
Tei - I love you. And your imaginary therapist. LOL
Mike - Agreed. And yet, there’s always room for one more… Some of my online friends actually sleep. Which can be disconcerting around 3:30a.m. when I’m all UP and on my roll making that blog I’m not supposed to make. So… I need someone to talk to? I hear it’s only REALLY crazy if you talk to yourself and someone answers back. (True or false if this applies to talking to an imaginary person? Anyone know?)
Wow, a band-aid for OCD. An imaginary therapist could be the next big thing. Heck, I’ll try anything (almost anything) once. I better hurry before they start charging.
Thanks for the laughs Amy!
Steph - Maybe they charge invisible money?
Amy,
I read the article for the rubber band ball. My daughter is obsessed with them, and lucky for her, at the office our mail is always banded so I make her one and give it to her once a year in her stocking for Christmas. She loves that I spent every working day of a whole year thinking about her for two seconds to put the ball together, but mostly she just loves the silly balls. (I wrote a post about this but didn’t get it ready for Christman so you’ll probably get a deja-vu feeling in a few months at MCE).
I do the paper clip thing, but with safety pins from the dry cleaner. I have the longest chain and I can’t bear to give it back and let them reuse them. Hehehe.
I am a bit like Monk on some things, but I hold it in check pretty well sans imaginary therapist. Though, when I read Tei’s post, I did realize I could probably use one. My favorite part was also one of yours:
“If it sounds stupid out loud, it is probably not something that needs your attention.”
I can’t tell you how many stupid things I’ve wanted to do in the past few days while working over-over-time on a few massive posts. Stupid things like sleep, and stupid things like work, but also stupid things like “let’s go get a bottle of champagne!”
Thankfully by then I’d read Tei’s post, so my imaginary therapist spoke up.
“To celebrate what? You’re NOT done!”
Yeah, well I am now…
Only the funny thing is, when I’m not trying to avoid something, the stupid stuff doesn’t try to distract me.
Maybe I do need the imaginary therapist after all.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Brand Propheteers: Part Three - Grand Concepts, Practical Advice, and the One Great WoM Story
Kelly - Darling Customer Service Guru dear… You are SUPPOSED to say you read the article because you love me. NOT for the rubber band ball.
But seriously, your daughter and I need to have a playdate sometime. The three of us could hang. I’ll bring the paperclips, you can string together the pins, and she can have all the rubber band balls she wants. Somewhere a stationary store will have to file bankruptcy, but that’s cool. Just one more case for me to blog about.
I totally celebrate mid-project. Like, every ten minutes sometimes. The other day, I was working on this one thing I hate, and I was like, “This is how it’s going to have to go for me to finish this without outsourcing this client or hanging myself: for every ten minutes I put into this, I’m taking a half-hour break.” And it worked. I finished it. But I can see how alcohol added into that mix could have been bad.
Amy,
What’s funny is right after I hit submit, I realized I had not sufficiently groveled and fawned. I actually though about following up with uh, yeah, and I luv ya, but then I thought it would look like I was just trying to get some extra CommentLuv.
You know how it is, sometimes it’s all about the rubber band ball.
I’m just a teensy bit A.R., which I like to attribute to being a Capricorn, mainly. Sometimes I see that the deep end I could go off is not as far away as I’d like, though.
The daughter goes back and forth. Obsessed by some things, insanely relaxed about others. Like, she can work on a drawing for hours, but she’s supposed to be getting ready for school. Aaargh!
Love love love her, but must pull my hair out to keep from screaming some days.
Later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Brand Propheteers: Part Three - Grand Concepts, Practical Advice, and the One Great WoM Story
You’re the only Capricorn I’ve ever known was a Capricorn and still liked. Impressive.
I’m OCD on some levels and others, not so much. For example, my parental units and various substitutes for affectionate authority through the years spent many hours telling me to clean my room. And I spent many hours not doing it. I still, to this day, can’t find the floor. But when it comes to doing dishes, I’m all over it. Sometimes I wash them twice.
Ooh, twinny twin twin, I have bad news for you there . . .
I’m a cusp baby. Sag-Cap. TECHNICALLY a Sagittarius, because apparently the moon was all slow leaving that particular sphere the day I was born (good thing I raced my butt out of the womb, yeah), but if you go look at any magazine horoscope for my birthday, they’ll tell you I’m a Capricorn.
Makes for conflicting impulses. “Let’s go skinny dipping!” - “But let’s bring sunblock.”
“Let’s start a business!”
“But let’s bitch and moan about it the whole time.”
Tei’s last blog post..Being a Wuss is Bad for Business.
Twin - No worries. You’re Sag enough for me. Cusps are conflicted folks. Just be glad you didn’t get Cancer/Gemini cusp. Now those are some tortured souls. Yes, I’m an astrology freak. My game IRL is to guess people’s birthdays. Most people hate that I do that, especially when I guess the year and guess correctly. But I’m hated for many reasons, so that’s one of the better ones.
Ooh. What’s my year? Not that this information isn’t kind of readily available at this point.
Tei’s last blog post..Being a Wuss is Bad for Business.
I can only do it with people I know in person. I’m not sure why. Some people think I’m a witch.
It’s another twin quality. I can do it too. I scared the bejeezus out of my last lover with that trick.
Tei’s last blog post..Being a Wuss is Bad for Business.
You scare the crap out of me. But in a good way.
I can only do it with people I know in person. I’m not sure why. Some people think I’m a witch.
::dies laughing::
My kids torture their dad, who is a little OCD, by moving his silverware so it’s infinitesimally out of kilter. He will always move it back. So every time he leaves the room, they do it again.
I like that you wash dishes twice, Amy. You are my hero.
Mer xxxooo
It is Ok to have the conversations with the invivible people.I had a doctor once thar held good conversations with me while I was being stredded out at work as a C/O.
When I told him about it in a session he said I hope that you don’t beat me up too much,my rely was you win the discussions.
Yes I may be “nut” and I got my D.D.214(discharge paper) to prove it.
mike golch’s last blog post..you know your haveing a bad day when……
Mer - Funny about the silverware. but you should probably pick another hero. LOL
Mike - I wish I had some papers to prove mine!! People are always like “you aren’t crazy” and I warn them Nd everything. Then in like a year, they’re like “you’re more screwed up than I thought.” those papers could be a huge timesaver.
Amy,
Now that I’ve had enough time to read Tei’s post, I agree. She is your twin.
Mer xo
P.S. You will always be my hero.
Oh, I forgot the raspberries! ;p;p;p
You know while you are on vacation, you should come and have a drink at Tei’s new pub. She’ll let you swear and drink on the bar, naked and everything. And you can bring your rubberband ball too.
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..Listening With Ears Wide Open
Amy, darlin’,
I’m just crazy enough and bold enough to think that we all don’t know enough random s**t about you, so come out and play if you will.
http://maximumcustomerexperience.typepad.com/mce/2008/05/you-definitely.html
Brett and half the known universe tagged me, and I am cutting down by only tagging three folks I adore who everyone else should adore too.
*wags tail like puppy*
Until later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..You Definitely Don’t Want to Know These 8 Random Things About Me
I’ll answer the newer meme post here if that’s ok because it fits with this post
1. a little bit OCD too. ok, a lot.
2. Still have imaginary friends too and am going to ask them for a referral to their therapists, thanks for the idea!
3. Paperclip chainer here too and must link each clip at same location.
4. Also have milestone rewards when I have to write something I hate
5. Also outsource stuff I hate. Anyone here want to write about motion sensors today?
6. I get my best writing ideas while washing dishes. Sometimes I have to wash twice not because I want to but because I daydream while washing them and miss gunk.
7. love the word batshit!
8. Have an ocd thing about odd and even numbers on the remote control volume.
Already blogstalking Amy and plan to blogstalk Tei too.
Dana’s last blog post..Freelancing Tips - Don’t Do It All Yourself
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