Some days I feel like I’m going so slowly that I’m rolling backward. Where ever it is I’m going — and I’m frequently not sure where that is — it often seems as though all my freelance friends are getting there faster and flaunting it better once they get there. Sometimes I feel like I’m back in junior high school comparing my thrift-store jeans to the designer brands of my rich classmates. Meanwhile, they’re all looking back at me feeling equally inferior.
It always amazes me how much time we humans waste on caring what other people think about us, while everyone else is busy worrying what we think about them. How much time and energy could we save if we gave up comparing ourselves to other people? If we stopped caring what other people thought about us?
I’m not saying we should turn a blind eye to someone’s badmouthing our businesses or never engage in a healthy debate about why our buddies’ ways of doing things might or might not be better than ours. I’m saying that it might be a waste of time to agonize over our friends’ successes, to beat ourselves up because it’s taking us longer than we’d hoped to climb the freelance writing career ladder.
Most days, I couldn’t care less about any of the above. I receive emails from time to time from folks who say things like “I’m so impressed with how unconventional you are and how you don’t use society’s standards to measure your success.” The fact is, I truly am successful, and I’ve achieved financial success as a freelancer in a relatively short amount of time. Most days, I amaze myself. I don’t say this to be a boasting ninny, but to illustrate a point: no one is immune to feeling like a failure once in a while.
Like the serenity prayer, muttered hourly by struggling recovering alcoholics everywhere, I find myself repeating the AA-coined mantra progress not perfection about my freelance writing career as frequently as I do about my no-longer-so-newfound sober lifestyle.
My goal isn’t to race my freelance buds to some proverbial finish line. My goal is to keep moving forward. Sometimes the going is slow as hell, and I feel as though I’m moving backward. Sometimes I have to back up a bit, examine whether the road I’ve taken was the one I meant to turn down. Sometimes I change lanes, take another road entirely. But through it all, as long as I’m moving toward something, I am satisfied. I’ve learned that no matter how fast we go, we’ll always want to go faster. I’ve gone faster. I’ve crashed and burned, several times. Slow, for me, is better.
What’s your speed limit? Do you measure your progress against your perceived perfection of others?
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
Ohh.. I can relate so well… I really liked your post. It is so true. We do tend to go too fast and not in the right direction (but stray to paths other are moving about). I have gone too fast. Going back to the days I was an international business lawyer and sacrificed my life to work. That is not at all my goal, however. My goal is to keep a steady pace, which is going to help both me and my professional life move forward. You are soooo right.
Avital Gertner-Samet’s last blog post..Inspiration Prompt #10
Amy: yes, yes I do measure my progress against my perceived perfection of others. Which is why I so badly needed to read your post. I also spend too much time trying to make sure people I really admire like me, when I could be doing something more productive. AND I spend far too much time striving for perfection in things that don’t require it, like comments. Part of that, I think, is because so many relish pointing out an editor’s mistakes. I get it all the time.
Progress, not perfection. It’s…um, perfect.
But I struggle with it. It makes me slightly uncomfortable. I really want the progress, it’s my goal, but at the same time, the “not perfection” part is challenging.
Thanks for the awesome post.
steph’s last blog post..Taking the Focus Off ME
Hi Amy
I do still measure where I am in terms of my freelance writing career with others to some degree. I’m still new to this business, and I was also fortunate that things took off quickly for me.
I pay close attention to what others are doing to keep my finger on the pulse of this rapidly changing field - I’m not the most technically savvy girl around, so this is how I attempt to stay on top of things. I am still a student and I learn by observation - and tons of reading.
Am I measuring my “success” as a writer by what others have achieved? Not so much anymore. I have spent most of my life being a perfectionist and measuring myself against others. It’s exhausting and futile!
When I left my cubicle life behind, I realized I needed to come up with my own yardstick for measuring my success. It’s really simple too: I can pay all my bills on time, do what I love and live comfortably in peace.
Kimberly Ben’s last blog post..Your Service Agreement: Don’t Start Writing Without It!
I too try to just be happy when I’m making progress, but there are certainly days when it’s hard to do that. I do see others who seem to be getting further with less talent and it bugs me. It shouldn’t, but it does.
LS’s last blog post..Is Craigslist a Good Place for Freelance Writing Jobs?
I measure progress if I make it thru the day safely. Amy, you know my back round I know you understand what I mean.
Mike Golch’s last blog post..I’m so bummed out!
Avital — When I was a paralegal at an international firm, my life-sacrificing was much the same. Sleep-sacrificing also.
I did begin to carry this habit into my freelancing career, but have decided this isn’t the road I want to take either. Like you, I think a steady pace is a much healthier and enjoyable way to go. Thanks for stopping by again. I did make the journal from your instructions on my blog, so thanks again. 
Steph — I can relate to what you say about caring too much about whether the people I admire like me. That made me laugh, in an “I can relate” kind of way. I try not to care about things like that, but sometimes I do. It is silly the things we worry about sometimes, isn’t it? I tend to blame my OCD for certain things, like how you say you obsess over comments. I used to obsess over visiting every blog of every person who visits mine and commenting, because that seems to be good blogging manners and I didn’t want people who visit my blog and comment to think I don’t like them or appreciate their comments. Then I realized I could spend all day visiting other people’s blogs, and I had to cut back. Otherwise, I will spend all day doing that, and maybe the people whose blogs I visit will like me, but I will be up till 4am getting my work done. Silly.
Kimberly — I like to stay up on things too, and I too read a lot to stay informed. (I am not very tech-savvy either!!!!) But like you, I have the same sort of yardstick; my bills are paid and I like what I do. That is what is important, not measuring myself against others. After all, we all know that what works to gain one person’s success will not necessarily work for someone else. I’m always happy to learn from other people’s mistakes though!! So I do keep to my reading, to learn, and just out of curiosity I guess! Thanks for stopping by.
LS — Sometimes it bugs me too. I’m looking forward to reading your Craigslist post.
Mike — I hear ya. I had a seizure the other day and gashed open my elbow. Everyone keeps asking how I hurt myself and acting like it was some big tragedy, but I keep thinking to myself “At least it wasn’t my head this time.” Other safety is also important.
My problem is I’m surrounded by Super Achievers and it totally distorts my sense of reality.
My salary is quite good for one person. And I’m educated and I have lots of talents.
But most of my friends are double-income yuppies professionals. They have so much money, it’s not funny.
I constantly have to hear about their vacations and house renovations and new toys that I can never afford. Friar, why don’t you guy this gizmo? You should buy such-and-such.
And pretty much everyone I know is slim and fit, close to their ideal body weight. I’m the only one in my entire peer group that has a weight problem.
In fact, several family members are into are running Half-Marathons, Full Marathons. One is even talking about an IRON MAN, for Chrissakes.
And they get quite smug and self-righteous about eating properly, and I get insensitive comments about my weight.
Plus, most people are “PC” and I get judged and scolded for having an OPINION that dosen’t jibe with the mainstream.
Yeah, yeah….I know what people will tell me. It’s not what others do that matters..it’s what I think of myself that counts.
But when I’m surrounded by all this “perfection” sometimes it’s really hard NOT to listen to that inner critic.
Friar’s last blog post..Friar’s Random Rants
Oh Friar. I hear you, I really do. I have a very hard time not comparing myself to all our friends, who have all this stuff and seem so much better off and advanced than we are. But none of them have student loans and went to school, either.
Anyway, I think it’s made us associate a bit less with our friends and we tend to prefer our own company. One gets tired of defending one’s choice not to do or have something, either because of money or personal choice that’s different from “the norm.”
If your weight isn’t a problem for you, screw them. It’s rude of them to comment on it. They probably do it thinking they’re helping or inspiring you but at the same time, it’s pushing their values on you. If you’re not asking for help or showing that you’re unhappy the way you are, I wonder at their audacity.
The one thing I keep trying to remind myself is that I am where I am because of all my choices. They are where they are because of the choices they’ve made. We’ve all just made and continue to make different choices according to our preferences. Our attitudes toward life are different, too.
Life is what we make it, no? And if you’re happy where you are, then that’s all that matters. But yes, it’s very irritating when people try to push their values and achievements on you. I understand.
steph’s last blog post..Taking the Focus Off ME
Amy: re your comment answering my first one. How true. I still have to grasp this about the perceived blogging etiquette.
steph’s last blog post..Taking the Focus Off ME
Friar — I understand where you’re coming from in my own way. I have enough to survive on too, but I’m far from the yuppy professional type, which is the class most of the folks I know fall under. Couple that with the fact that I’m not only gay, but the type whose goal is far from marriage/relationship/family, and I’m pretty much an outcast in most circles. I’m far from traditional, let’s just say.
Yet I’m the constant source of nitpicking cloaked in the form of helpful advice. The latest has been, “Why don’t you want to own a home?” Well, let’s see, I have no desire to live here forever and to have to sell a place down the road, and I don’t care to do my own maintenance and pay high taxes, which is why I’m happy in the small rented hovel I live in now. “But why?” Are we two years old? “How could you possibly be happy living the way you do, owning nothing, giving your money away?” Well, ya see, that whole IT’S MY LIFE thing… I never win these arguments. I honestly could live as a recluse, no problem, because people just annoy the shit out of me sometimes with all their “why don’t you want to be happy the way I want you to be happy” bullshit. Most of these people, I find, aren’t really happy themselves. Who are they to tell me to meet a nice girl I can run away to Canada and marry, then buy a house and get myself artificially knocked up to have a happy family? Screw that. [/end rant] So yeah, I hear ya. I don’t have a weight problem anymore, but I went through the badgering about smoking. Now that I’ve quit, folks have moved onto badgering me about other things. I had a thirty minute conversation the other day with a yuppy chick who doesn’t understand why my idea of a good time is not getting my eyebrows waxed and having my toes painted some goofy shade called Poodle Blossoms. People suck.
Steph — Right on. I couldn’t agree more. It is all about choices and circumstances. Not all of us made the same choices, and not all of us have had the same circumstances to lead us to make all those came choices. And thank goodness, right? Otherwise, we’d all be boring clones of each other, and then folks would complain about that. I honestly think that many people just need to have something to complain/gossip about in order to keep their mouths working or something.
Right, right, right.
I’m a bit of a misogynist myself; your description of your hardships, Amy, made me grit my teeth. I had to quit my job at the library because I came to hate people so much. I mean, I don’t hate everyone, of course, and I love the people I know in this blogging community, and yes, love is a strong word, but that’s just it. We blogging people usually don’t know what the other really looks like, smells like, how they live, etc., in general. Mostly, we know our thoughts and emotions, what we write. It’s harder to judge that, thank goodness, in the way the people you describe above judge, anyway. I rarely read the “why can’t you be more like me” thing among bloggers. Though there is a lot of “how to be happy like me” stuff. Still, then we have a choice to read it or not! Online we can kind of escape those opinionated people and hang out in our self-made support groups! LOL!
steph’s last blog post..Taking the Focus Off ME
@Amy
Oh, I hear ya! I’m so sick of the constant pressure that you have to get a girlfriend or boyfriend and settle down an buy a house and make babies and such. That’s what you’re here on earth for. Why don’t you do it?
I ranted about it on a post a few months ago.
Maybe you’ll get a chuckle out of this…
http://deepfriar.wordpress.com/2008/05/19/stupidest-reasons-ive-been-told-on-why-i-should-get-a-girlfriend/
Friar’s last blog post..Another Typical Week Here…
Wow, I never admit how much people annoy me, but I can’t stand most people in person. Over email, in blogs, in forums, they’re great. But in person- no.
For me I think it’s the opposite from most people, though. I always want to be more successful than I am, have more money than I do, travel more, to keep getting better at everything, etc. I’m never happy with anything, and other people always are, apparently. I don’t relate to other people being satisfied with their lives and just happy to go about things when I only see how things could be better.
LS’s last blog post..Is Craigslist a Good Place for Freelance Writing Jobs?
Steph — I never really thought about it that way, but I think you’re right. Online, we can escape. Or hit the delete button. Or simply avoid the places and people we don’t want to go. I try to do that in real life, and somehow the folks just keep showing back up. LOL
Have you ever seen the comedian Gallagher? The one who smashed watermelons into the crowd with his sledge-o-matic in the 70s? Well, I saw this one bit he did where he made this baby that shot milk out and banged on the table and threw a tantrum, and at the end he pulled out the battery and said “Don’t you wish YOUR baby had one of these?” I’ve always thought that about some people — I wish they came with batteries we could just remove when we want them to hush up and nap.
Friar — I will go read that now. Thank you. I need a good laugh at the moment.
LS — I used to be the way you describe. I am still a perfectionist. But now I just don’t give a shit anymore about always being better. I used to. Not sure what happened. I wasn’t happy then though, and now I am. So I guess it is good that I’m not that way anymore? I do sometimes wish I was more ambitious now though.
PS to Friar — Now that I’ve read your post, I feel as though I must make the offer: If you’re not married by the time you’re 50, you and I can get hitched. LOL Have you ever heard this stupidity? Maybe Canadians are above this bullshit, but many of my red blooded American friends seem to think having a contract with someone of the opposite sex that “If we’re not married by the time we’re X age, we will marry each other” seems some kind of inspiration. Two of my friends have this agreement with one another, and I am pretty sure they don’t even like each other. Seriously. It’s not very smart. But I’ll marry you if you want. I won’t sleep with you, but I’m better than Ms. Chaffington. We can both sleep around, but because we’re married folks will perhaps leave us alone? LOL
Amy
Hey, that sounds good. I’m not quite 50 yet, but when I am, I might just take you up on your offer!
Friar’s last blog post..Another Typical Week Here…
Friar — When you marry me, will you tell me your real name, or will I continue to call you Fried One? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
@Amy
I’d tell you my real name. But only on our wedding night!
Friar’s last blog post..Another Typical Week Here…
Friar — My mother will be so happy I’m marrying a man.
My Mom would be shocked I’d found someone to marry, period!
(I think she gave up on me, years ago!)
Friar’s last blog post..Another Typical Week Here…
So did mine!! At this point, she’d be like “Did you finally have that lobotomy?” Hahahahahaha!! Oh and she is totally freaked out by the Internet, so I could just see the reaction. “Mom, I’m marrying a nice bloke I met online. He paints. I don’t know his name yet, so for now we shall call him Fried One.” “Oh Dear,” she’d say. “You have been looking at those dirty pictures on the computer again, haven’t you?” “No, mom. The Internet has movies now.”
Amy,
You may borrow my line from last week about not meeting with anyone “because I kinda hate people today.” Here in the comments, you have earned it. LOL at your rants, while sympathizing deeply.
Visit MCE tomorrow if you have a sec. You inspired my post (again). Stop being so darned provocative!
All:
Is it artists, writers (a subset of artists), or just humans who are so affected by the standards set by others—whether watching their success bugs us (”no I’m happy for you, really” in an envious, petty, sulking sort of a way), or whether they outwardly press us to conform? So many creatives commenting on this, it got me wondering.
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Summer Is a Great Time to… Smile for the Birdie
@Kelly
I admit, I’m one of those envious people.
Mabye this makes me a bad person, or just human. I dunno.
But I see so many colleagues and friends, who have so much more than I’ll ever have. And they don’t even appreciate it.
And when they get even MORE stuff (toys, trips, vacations, huge bonuses), they need to show it off. It’s almost like they EXPECT us to be HAPPY for them.
And if we’re not (Even if we’re just neutral), it’s like WE’RE the bad guys who have petty and jealousy issues.
So who owns the problem, anyway?
Friar’s last blog post..Another Typical Week Here…
Kelly — Thanks for lending me your line. I haven’t made my way over to your blog to see what you’ve done to me yet
but you’re my next stop!!
Friar — I see it like the chicken and the egg. (Do they have that saying in Canada?)
Hi Amy,
I just keep moving forward. Who knows what will happen?
I try to stay away from people who are into the comparison, toy, kinda lifestyle. It’s boring and it takes up too much time.
Ellen Wilson’s last blog post..Crossing the Border
Hey Amy, I’m really sorry I missed your post notification and came late to the party but it’s been fun to read all the comments. What a hoot and a half!
@Amy…I absolutly adore your very gay, not wanting to be conventional, not wanting to buy a house, hermitish, one of a kind OCD, latent bi-polar self. Don’t let anyone change a single thing about you. I’m not gay but I love you just the way you are. People need to get more colors of crayons in their crayola box.
@Friar
I lost around 50 pounds a handful of years back. Pounds that I lugged around a long time and kept sabatoging myself into not loosing. When I finally asked myself why I was doing that to myself, the long answer turned out to be that I really had almost a phobic fear of thin snobby stuck-up people that I *Perceived* thought of themselves as better then me and those like me. I didn’t want to become one of the *thins* and turn into a jerk. It was a real eye opener to discover I had this underlying predudice. It took me awhile to work through. I found out I can be nice AND thin. And that there are others out here like me. People with money who are nice, people with money who are jerks. People who are healthy, eat right and run who are nice, and then as you say are real snobs about it like reformed smokers….
You got to spend a little time looking for your like-minded folks but I promise we are out here.
I don’t think you and Amy should wait that long to get married. You two are funny together…
Oh and Friar…how much are you going to pay me to keep quiet about your real name until the wedding night? hehehehehehe
Just kidding, the secret goes to my grave. What I know I never tell…
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..Feet in the Sand
Wendi knows Friar’s name?
See, lady, more jealous than ever. Dang.
Kelly’s last blog post..Inspiration Points: Abraham Lincoln’s Secret
I think Fried One is a fine name.
Wendi — LMAO @ “very gay, not wanting to be conventional, not wanting to buy a house, hermitish, one of a kind OCD, latent bi-polar self” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I’m SO putting that in the summary section of my resume.
Fried One is a great name for the Friar. Especially Thursday and Friday when he gets a bit crispy around the edges and needs a time out and I have to give him a talking to or send him to his room.
Hey, why don’t you girls come to the Fried One’s house, smear on some Blueberries and help me and Melissa pole dance. We are dancing for his birthday.
Kelly, just for the record…he never told me his name. It was an accident. I’m not saying a word.
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..Feet in the Sand
@Wendi
…yeah, Brett kinda inadvertently leaked out my name, a few months back on email.
But if it’s any consolation, in some social circles I’m known as the “Friar”, even outside the Blogosphere.
PS. You’re quite the instigator this week with the Pole Dancing, aren’t you?
I used think Kelly or Janice were the main troublemakers, but you’re giving them a run for their money!
Amy, join them if you must, but be afraid. Be very very afraid. These ladies DON’T MESS around!
Friar’s last blog post..Friar’s Random Rants (Part II)
Friar, Anything for your birthday
Mostly I’m good. I can’t hold a candle to Kelly or Janice on a one of their good days. They make ME blush. I think we all have our *specialties* I’m just a little purple that’s all….
Yeah Amy, come on over, be a new color crayon in the box and see if you can make Friar blush in a whole new color….
its really fun…:)
Wendi Kelly’s last blog post..Feet in the Sand
Late to the party, I am. I opened this great post up in a Firefox tab a while ago… where did the time go?
Oh yeah.
Anyway. I guess I measure my progress against “me”. I’m just the right person to do what I want to do, I am the only one with the skills to do what I need to do. So why measure against someone else? No one else can do what I can do, the way I do it.
And to something in the comments, I knew a nice girl years and years ago (who wasn’t a pole dancer, but close), and we both kind of liked each other but we were both dating other folks - and never did we come to a state of mutual “singleness”.
(We lived in the same apartment building, across the hall from each other.)
We came to the agreement one night over a glass of wine that if neither of us was married by age 30, we’d just drop everything and get married.
It turned out that we both ended up marrying before 30, so I guess that was good!
(Might have been hard to explain to a girlfriend / boyfriend why they were getting dumped!)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..square peg, round hole.
Brett,
You made the right choice.
She… missed out.
Kelly’s last blog post..Inspiration Points: Abraham Lincoln’s Secret
Kelly,
I agree that I made the right choice, for sure!
(whether she missed out or not, is not for me to say, else I’d lose my humble status)
In all seriousness, though, I was happy that she found a nice man too. The guy she was with when I first met her - not nice.
Not at all.
So in the end, we both won.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..square peg, round hole.
@Brett
I’d have taken her!
(It sure beats Claire Chaffington!)
Friar’s last blog post..Friar’s Random Rants (Part II)
Actually, I’m harder on myself than other people have ever been, when it comes to my writing (especially fiction). It’s not so much that I’m above caring what other people think but that I always think I can do better.
“It always amazes me how much time we humans waste on caring what other people think about us…”
People say this a lot, but at the end of the day, a lot of *good* is done because people care what others think about them.
People obey laws more out of a feeling of social obligation than out of fear of reprisal, and when we donate to charities or help out, it’s often because we want others to think we’re good people.
Humanity has thrived and evolved because of our ability to come together to accomplish tasks that are beyond an individual, and through much of history the very ability to survive has depended on the clan. To be ostracized was the equivalent of death, so it’s not surprising that that need to belong is hard-wired in our psyches.
But, I digress (deeply!)…
Enjoyable posts. Keep blogging!
Lindsay’s last blog post..What Rich Jerk Hid the Road to Riches?
Brett — I say fate worked out fine in your case. She found someone and so did you. And you got the blondies.
(I could have used Ian The Cook yesterday when I blew up my microwave. Hehe.)
Lindsay — Thanks for stopping by! I appreciate your input and do agree that a lot of good is done is the world because of our fear of what people think. However, I sometimes wonder if we take it to an unhealthy extreme sometimes. I’m all for pack mentality, as long as it keeps us alive, but I think at some point we as people (not wolves) need to learn to survive on our own. Leave the proverbial nest of society — at least for a little while each day — maybe? Hope you’ll visit again.
Amy,
I believe so too. Ah yes, the blondies. They are so good looking. I don’t think they are mine
And the cook - he really is a little cook. I left out a Jamie Oliver cookbook and he was reading it. Never mind Transformers or Hot Wheels or whatever. Nope. Jamie Oliver cookbooks for him.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..square peg, round hole.
Brett — I thought he was only three. He can read? That is one genius blondie you have. Can they all read?
Amy,
Brett Legree’s last blog post..square peg, round hole.
Aww, happy belated birthday to the blondies!!! Did they get a cake? I like watching kids eat cake. It’s funny. Did Ian bake the cake? LOL This is a handy group of blondies you have indeed. Watch out for when they learn to use google. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Brett,
Get Ian Emeril’s kids’ cookbook when you can. My daughter’s had it for a couple of years and she is so proud when she cooks from it. Not only easy for kids to cook from with a little help, it’s also food they like. Well worth it.
Later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Inspiration Points: Abraham Lincoln’s Secret
Amy,
I’ll pass it on to them
oh yes, they got a cake, and Ian helped bake it…
The oldest is already learning how to use Google, and he put a password on the old laptop I gave him the other day!
No worries though - I’ve been meaning to test out the ophcrack LiveCD to see how well it works at cracking Windows passwords…
Brett Legree’s last blog post..square peg, round hole.
Kelly,
I think we will - I mean, he seems to really enjoy it and has a knack for it. So why not?
-Brett
Brett Legree’s last blog post..square peg, round hole.
Brett — My niece has a kids’ cookbook that has one dish for every letter of the alphabet. They are easy things like apple crisp, brownies, chocolate chip cookies, etc. Some of that stuff even I could make.
I will have to ask Angie what the name of that book is. I know she got it at an elementary school book fair. I was like, “Where’s mine??” LOL I cook at a five year old level and share a five year old’s tastes, so what the hell.
That password cracker takes forever. I found that out when I locked myself out of one of my old computers and couldn’t remember the password I used. Better to just hold the boy upside down and tickle him till he comes clean.
Which reminds me… I’d better go check out Friar’s blog and see if the gals have hung him from the pole. He’s awfully quiet………..
Amy,
Yes, please do let me know once you’ve talked with Angie (and tell her I said hello!)
Hmm, I’ll keep that in mind then. I have a different password program for NT-based machines that is very fast, but it works by setting all of the passwords to blanks. Cool, except if there were encrypted folders on there, in which case… they are gone.
Tickling would work, too. Or I could just give him some ice cream.
(Hey, that still works on *me*, and I’m 38!)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..square peg, round hole.
Brett — Angie says hi. Here is a link to the book on amazon. It is really old.
http://www.amazon.com/Alpha-Bakery-Childrens-Cookbook/dp/B000FGVG70
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