Mar
20
Lots of folks email me asking how to get corporate blogging jobs or writing gigs. The first thing I ask them is, “What is your definition of corporate?” Some people don’t know; they’ve never had to work in it. They think corporate writing jobs equal higher pay — and hey, who doesn’t want that? What they don’t understand is that working the corporate side of things pays more for good reason. These aren’t always the easiest people to work for.
Corporate Mentality
I like the Urban Dictionary’s definition: “large-scale practice of committee mentality,” with committee mentality definied as “the collective stupidity that results when a committee forms.” Confused? You should be. This is part of the plan, you see.
The Committees:
Corporate folks like to form committees. They like to branch the committees into as many subcommittees as possible. This is because they also like fancy titles, and everybody wants one. I once had to compose correspondence to someone called the assistant secretary of the attorney representing the ad hoc subcommittee. No one, including the woman herself, knew what her job was.
The Players:
Think of corporate folks like third grade dodgeball players. These are big nerds who don’t want to get picked last, so when they’re down to two teams and a few rejects, the rejects declare themselves their own captains and form new committees.
The Mistakes:
Part of this ranking and separating system, it seems, is due to the fact that they like to play the blame game. In the corporate world, there are always mistakes, but no one ever makes them. Fingers will be pointed, gossip will fly. The wrong person will be fired over it. But at the end of the day, no one ever really knows who did it, because they’re already onto the next emergency.
The Emergencies:
These can range from low ink toner to misdelivered mail, but they’re almost always unimportant. Getting worked up over little things gives a sense of urgency to a day otherwise only filled with real problems to be solved and difficult tasks to be accomplished. Corporate folks don’t like work. They secretly despise pantyhose and neckties, and they’d rather be golfing.
The Golf:
Sometimes they are golfing. Usually when you need them. A real crisis will occur, or there will be a question on which the completion of the project holds. Suddenly, that phone they used to take to the bathroom for conference calls will be turned off. That blackberry formerly tied to their fingers will have gone missing. The weight of the company will rest on your shoulders, and whatever you do will be wrong.
The Scapegoat:
You’ll always be wrong. For every committee head who loves your work and puts you in line for a big promotion, there will be another who wants you fired. Most simply won’t know you exist. Your name, even if you’re wearing a name tag, will escape them. Use this to your advantage.
The Truth:
The key to survival in the corporate food chain is being invisible. Do what you’re told, but don’t take it too seriously. Don’t work overtime unless you get it approved in writing from the person who signs your paycheck. Don’t expect a “job well done” or a “thank you.” This isn’t about you; it’s about them.
How Understanding This Can Help You
Of course, not every corporation operates under corporate mentality. You’ll know it when you see it. The trick is to recognize it before the revolving glass doors suck you in. Before you enter, take a few deep breaths and make sure you have a pencil. You’ll want to get a few things in writing.
The Objective:
What is your job here? You’ll want a clear definition, and they won’t want to give you one. This is because they don’t know. They might have an idea, or an outline, or a chart of some type. They probably have a far-fetched goal or a five-year plan. But getting from point A to point B will be the part they’ll want to pin on you. You’ll try to make a clear suggestion, and they’ll say, “We trust you as a professional. Do your thing.” If you fall for this, you’re setting yourself up.
The Plan:
These are people who want results and don’t care about the process… until you’ve done the job, and they decide they don’t like your way so much after all. It’s all wrong, and they’re full of suggestions and “you should have done this” statements based on hindsight. You can’t do your thing. You must do their thing. Make sure what you think is a good plan is what they will think is a good plan. Spell it out for them very clearly. “I will get from A to B by doing this, that, and the other.” Make sure they approve of every step, and get the approval in writing.
The Boss:
Know who is in charge of your project. Know whose directions to follow. This is important, because you’ll likely be about ten minutes into the project when suddenly your inbox and voicemail are flooded with conflicting instructions.
The Resources:
Know who you must consult with and how to reach them. Make sure it is understood (in writing) that your deadline can’t be reached without the cooperation of these other players. Be prepared that at any time the project may become a chase game of “check with accounting” and “coordinate with our graphic designer,” when really the accountant knows nothing about anything and the graphic designer is on holiday for the next month. The project comes to a full hault, because you can’t move forward without the accountant’s numbers or the graphic designer’s go-ahead. Embrace the hault, but make sure the boss knows you don’t take responsibility for it.
The End Result:
Be prepared to hate the end result. Be prepared that most of the committee might not like it much more than you do. The only opinion that matters is the boss’s. If you do what the guy in charge wants, and he’s happy, that’s all that matters. Be prepared that he might not be happy until you’ve tweaked or redone some or all of it. Be prepared to charge accordingly.
The Payment:
If you’re taking corporate gigs for the pretty pay checks, here’s a tip: know who cuts your check and what the payment policy is before you sign the contract. Invoicing the boss probably won’t get you anywhere. Sure, he could forward your invoice to accounting or payroll, but he won’t. It will be buried in his inbox and left to decompose. Make sure when you start a job that you ask the accountant or payroll person whether they need your tax information before they’ll issue your payment. This is standard procedure in most corporate offices, only no one will tell you about it. The accountant will think the boss told you and vice versa. If you want your money, take it upon yourself to know what you’ve got to do in order to get paid.
The Truth:
Some folks aren’t cut out for corporate work. If you’re one of them, know it. Find something else to do. Wasting other people’s time and giving yourself ulcers won’t benefit anyone.
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17 Responses to “Corporate Mentality: How Understanding It Can Help You”
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About Amy Derby
Formerly a corporate paralegal, I ditched the pantyhose to begin freelancing in 2004. I enjoy long walks to the coffee maker, never setting an alarm clock, and not wearing a bra to the (home) office. I can be reached at amy.derby (at) gmail.com.
You have said most of this to me already, but it is good to see it in writing. You type the way you talk, and I like that.
When I worked in the office I was more thin skinned than I am now. Corporate freelancing is easier done from a distance. I have also taken your advice about when to use email rather than phone and vice versa. Very smart.
Amy - this is the most accurate description of “corporate” I have ever encountered.
I love it! I had a look around where I work, and burst out laughing… I’d swear you have cameras here.
(Of course, you’ve worked in that too so you know… now where’s my red stapler?)
Thanks for the great post, and a big smile.
At my last corporate job — it was fires. There was always a fire to put out, and that was their jargon for emergency. There was no prevention or planning, just a lot of fires.
@Laura - Now that you mention it, I think my skin’s feeling a little thicker too.
@Brett - I used to sit in my cubicle and laugh at funny shit I’d read online, so I can totally picture everyone around you looking at you in fear.
@Melissa - We had fires, too. And firestarters. That’s what the first year associates were called — firestarters. Some of them really were very stupid. I don’t know how they passed the bar.
@ Amy - that is *exactly* what happened… I don’t think they can figure me out
Brett, I worked at the same firm for something like 8 years. I was a receptionist before I became a paralegal. When I was at the reception desk, I had really slow times and would go to message boards to kill the time (too bad there weren’t blogs then). Someone would type something, and I’d be grinning in amusement at my screen when — of course — the first client in hours would walk up. I got reprimanded several times for surfing the net (this was not allowed back then, and everything was monitored). I couldn’t have been happier to get into that cubicle, where at least what I did wasn’t on display for anyone walking by to see (with the exception of my pod-mates). And yes, everyone there thought I was absolutely batty, partially because I laughed at my computer, and partially because I used words like Google as verbs.
Amy - I feel your historical pain. IT where I work still monitors web habits aggressively. The official limit is 90 minutes per month, and then your supervisor gets a printout of what where when.
Well, I think they gave up on me as it can often be 90 minutes a day! Sorry guys, but that’s just the way I work.
I remember once getting in crap for surfing. “Non-productive” use of company time and property. The funny thing was, in being “non-productive”, I had several weeks before discovered an innovative coating process for metals done by a researcher at Idaho National Labs. I had put this fellow in touch with the Director of Advanced Reactor Technology. They figured the new tech could be used for refurbishment or new builds of our reactors, and it could save us millions.
So I pointed this out to my boss.
I received no comments after that.
Yeah. “Non-productive” use of time. Bah!
Sometimes, they just don’t get it…
I was doing nothing work related, so I had no defense. I was looking up pagan stuff and chatting with lesbian witches. They didn’t like that very much. So I got called in, and all I could say was that I had to do something to stay awake. So either give me some actual work to do or give me a friggen break. Greeting the occasional client wasn’t stimulating, and we weren’t allowed to read a book or have a newspaper — clutter policy, you see. I then started doing assignments for one of the paralegals who was swamped, and eventually I decided that was what I wanted to do. That eventually brought me to this, so I can’t complain. Fate works mysteriously.
Oh, I was also doing lots of non-work related stuff! Probably looking up pagan stuff (happy Ostara!), I wasn’t chatting with any lesbian witches - but only because I don’t know any!
Funny, though, everyone reads newspapers and wanders around offices chatting. But surfing is “bad”.
I don’t quite get that one…
Yes, fate is rather mysterious. But it seems to work out, doesn’t it. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I can see it working out the way I plan, and that is good. All because of a few simple choices.
Oh I know! It was perfectly acceptable for a senior partner to take a magazine out of a client’s hand to take to the restroom, but I wasn’t allowed to discretely read a paper. Or go online to read the paper. Fuckwits. God, I don’t miss that.
You will have to tell me your plans. I feel bad for anyone who can relate to Office Space as badly as you do.
It’s also a little disheartening to know that things aren’t so different in the Canadian corporate world. James gave me a bug up the butt about moving to Canada so I can marry a chick someday, so I was hoping more would be different…………….
I tell you, I’m much happier out “here” at home - I find I can do what I need to do very quickly, I get crazy side-thoughts and have to go check them out… then work in bursts again. The days when I work at home - but for “work” - I can usually finish my day’s work before 10:30. Efficient and effective, by working “my way”. And it includes a fair bit of surfing and chatting…
I will tell you what’s up my sleeve (I’ll email you, as there’s a lot to it). Thanks for what you said, it makes me feel better, believe me.
You should move here to marry a chick! And for other reasons too. Even though the corporate world is a lot like the US
there are a lot of other things that you’d find great. Health care is good, for instance, but you probably knew that.
I’m not sure why in some states you can’t “be yourself”, yet everybody has six guns. Hey, if some people have a right to be free to choose, why not everyone?
Sorry I missed this. I don’t miss corporate life either. I know now that I don’t have what it takes to work in that toxic kind of environment, but I am happy I learned the hard way. Knowing what there is to go back to makes me embrace the work-at-home life I have now all the more, because even my worst days now are better than my best days were then.
Brett, Amy told me you have little ones, so maybe you will be able to relate to my day yesterday, except you go through it triple time. Yesterday we had a cell phone down the toilet, literally, by the three year old. I am also expecting twins, found out at the doc yesterday they are both boys. Got home, went toilet fishing, then my laptop broke and I had to cart my fat ass out to buy another. However, I still got more work done yesterday at home than I would have back at cubicle farm 101. I think all the interruptions and conference calls and fires, as Melissa said, make it difficult to get any work done.
Angie, yes, I can totally relate to your story - and congratulations on your wonderful news! It might seem like a lot of work at first when they arrive, but the payback is unimaginable. Multiples bring a special joy.
Anyway - the vent pipe for our hot water heater is exactly eye level for a 3-year old. We have a crab apple tree in the back yard, about 6 feet from the vent pipe.
(Can you see where this is going? OH YES!)
So not once - but twice - in the same year, I came home to no hot water. Had to cut the pipe inside the house, to get the apples out.
The second time, I put a “tee” in the line right near the bottom. The apples roll down and collect in the “tee” and I can just unscrew the cap to empty it.
Yes, I tried putting a screen over it the first time. They just pushed the apples through the screen which made an even bigger mess!!!
And you know what? I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
(Amy, you could send the pictures to Angie if you want.)
Ah, good. I’m glad the two of you have met.
Angie, aren’t you glad you don’t have an apple tree now???????
P.S., Brett’s plans are brilliant. Just goes to show that if you watch Office Space enough times, you too can be motivated to move the office to the home base. Even when your home is full of short appleboppers.
@ Amy, thanks for the continued encouragement, and for the honest feedback as well - I mean it! With help and advice from people like you, I will get there.
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Wow, it really is a dog eat dog corporate world. I’ve considered freelancing for small businesses but I stear clear of anything that sparks of drama. Office jobs are drama, drama, drama. I think the the corporate world survives on the soap opera style of business. They’ve all got to know the latest goss, love their elite cliques, and hide the toilet paper from the executive bathrooms because it’s SO hilarous watching the uppers walking around jiggling their pants all day.
It takes a special blend to cope in the corporate world.
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