Lots of folks email me asking how to get corporate blogging jobs or writing gigs. The first thing I ask them is, “What is your definition of corporate?” Some people don’t know; they’ve never had to work in it. They think corporate writing jobs equal higher pay — and hey, who doesn’t want that? What they don’t understand is that working the corporate side of things pays more for good reason. These aren’t always the easiest people to work for.
Corporate Mentality
I like the Urban Dictionary’s definition: “large-scale practice of committee mentality,” with committee mentality definied as “the collective stupidity that results when a committee forms.” Confused? You should be. This is part of the plan, you see.
The Committees:
Corporate folks like to form committees. They like to branch the committees into as many subcommittees as possible. This is because they also like fancy titles, and everybody wants one. I once had to compose correspondence to someone called the assistant secretary of the attorney representing the ad hoc subcommittee. No one, including the woman herself, knew what her job was.
The Players:
Think of corporate folks like third grade dodgeball players. These are big nerds who don’t want to get picked last, so when they’re down to two teams and a few rejects, the rejects declare themselves their own captains and form new committees.
The Mistakes:
Part of this ranking and separating system, it seems, is due to the fact that they like to play the blame game. In the corporate world, there are always mistakes, but no one ever makes them. Fingers will be pointed, gossip will fly. The wrong person will be fired over it. But at the end of the day, no one ever really knows who did it, because they’re already onto the next emergency.
The Emergencies:
These can range from low ink toner to misdelivered mail, but they’re almost always unimportant. Getting worked up over little things gives a sense of urgency to a day otherwise only filled with real problems to be solved and difficult tasks to be accomplished. Corporate folks don’t like work. They secretly despise pantyhose and neckties, and they’d rather be golfing.
The Golf:
Sometimes they are golfing. Usually when you need them. A real crisis will occur, or there will be a question on which the completion of the project holds. Suddenly, that phone they used to take to the bathroom for conference calls will be turned off. That blackberry formerly tied to their fingers will have gone missing. The weight of the company will rest on your shoulders, and whatever you do will be wrong.
The Scapegoat:
You’ll always be wrong. For every committee head who loves your work and puts you in line for a big promotion, there will be another who wants you fired. Most simply won’t know you exist. Your name, even if you’re wearing a name tag, will escape them. Use this to your advantage.
The Truth:
The key to survival in the corporate food chain is being invisible. Do what you’re told, but don’t take it too seriously. Don’t work overtime unless you get it approved in writing from the person who signs your paycheck. Don’t expect a “job well done” or a “thank you.” This isn’t about you; it’s about them.
How Understanding This Can Help You
Of course, not every corporation operates under corporate mentality. You’ll know it when you see it. The trick is to recognize it before the revolving glass doors suck you in. Before you enter, take a few deep breaths and make sure you have a pencil. You’ll want to get a few things in writing.
The Objective:
What is your job here? You’ll want a clear definition, and they won’t want to give you one. This is because they don’t know. They might have an idea, or an outline, or a chart of some type. They probably have a far-fetched goal or a five-year plan. But getting from point A to point B will be the part they’ll want to pin on you. You’ll try to make a clear suggestion, and they’ll say, “We trust you as a professional. Do your thing.” If you fall for this, you’re setting yourself up.
The Plan:
These are people who want results and don’t care about the process… until you’ve done the job, and they decide they don’t like your way so much after all. It’s all wrong, and they’re full of suggestions and “you should have done this” statements based on hindsight. You can’t do your thing. You must do their thing. Make sure what you think is a good plan is what they will think is a good plan. Spell it out for them very clearly. “I will get from A to B by doing this, that, and the other.” Make sure they approve of every step, and get the approval in writing.
The Boss:
Know who is in charge of your project. Know whose directions to follow. This is important, because you’ll likely be about ten minutes into the project when suddenly your inbox and voicemail are flooded with conflicting instructions.
The Resources:
Know who you must consult with and how to reach them. Make sure it is understood (in writing) that your deadline can’t be reached without the cooperation of these other players. Be prepared that at any time the project may become a chase game of “check with accounting” and “coordinate with our graphic designer,” when really the accountant knows nothing about anything and the graphic designer is on holiday for the next month. The project comes to a full hault, because you can’t move forward without the accountant’s numbers or the graphic designer’s go-ahead. Embrace the hault, but make sure the boss knows you don’t take responsibility for it.
The End Result:
Be prepared to hate the end result. Be prepared that most of the committee might not like it much more than you do. The only opinion that matters is the boss’s. If you do what the guy in charge wants, and he’s happy, that’s all that matters. Be prepared that he might not be happy until you’ve tweaked or redone some or all of it. Be prepared to charge accordingly.
The Payment:
If you’re taking corporate gigs for the pretty pay checks, here’s a tip: know who cuts your check and what the payment policy is before you sign the contract. Invoicing the boss probably won’t get you anywhere. Sure, he could forward your invoice to accounting or payroll, but he won’t. It will be buried in his inbox and left to decompose. Make sure when you start a job that you ask the accountant or payroll person whether they need your tax information before they’ll issue your payment. This is standard procedure in most corporate offices, only no one will tell you about it. The accountant will think the boss told you and vice versa. If you want your money, take it upon yourself to know what you’ve got to do in order to get paid.
The Truth:
Some folks aren’t cut out for corporate work. If you’re one of them, know it. Find something else to do. Wasting other people’s time and giving yourself ulcers won’t benefit anyone.
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