Freelanceaholic: a word made up by a freelancer who works too much
Are you a workaholic freelancer who wants to recover? Now you can, in 10 easy steps! Alcoholics might need 12 steps, but we overachieving freelanceaholics can hack it in 10! I’ll even through in a free bonus!
(Disclaimer: the information below is intended for entertainment purposes only; I take no legal responsibility for your actions if you’re actually stupid enough to follow my advice and decide to sue me later. Thank you; please drive thru.)
1. Go to the nearest large body of water. Take your cell phone out of your pocket and throw. Watch out for fishermen.
2. Change the number to your home phone and don’t give it to anyone — ever. In fact, don’t memorize your new number; don’t even write it down. That way you won’t be able to give it out.
3. Change your email address and IM handle to something really girlish, like CatLovinGrrrl2007, even if you’ve got boy parts.
4. Make your signature line really awful. Something along the lines of “Honk if you still sleep with yo mama” usually works well.
5. Think up pet names for all your clients, like Butterball or Sugar Lickin’ Good, and address them as such.
6. If they seem turned on rather than appalled, try the same names out on their significant others. Make sure to call them at home, preferably in the middle of the night.
7. Still can’t shake ‘em? Stop using the letter E in anything you write. Once they get the first article titled T_n M_thods of Firing Los_r Cli_nts they should get the hint.
8. If they’re still begging you to work for them, start invoicing them multiple times per job. Set up an auto-responder to keep reminding them of their unpaid balances, even after they’ve already paid.
9. What do you mean they still love you? Ok, it’s time to break out the heavy artillery. Xerox a copy of your private parts (the hairier the better) and fax it to them marked URGENT.
10. If all else fails, cut your internet connection. Then drive an ax through your computer monitor and throw your hard drive into the fireplace.
Bonus Step: Sign up for Netflix. Play the movies while you’re working and write the cost off as a business expense.
