My friends always know where to find me on a weekend: at home in front of my laptop. Why? I am a sucker for the needy. Want to be an idiot like me? In five easy steps, you too can turn a perfectly good day off into work.

Step 1: Check your email.

As you’re settling into that cup of morning java, make sure to give into that little voice that says “you’ve got mail.” Don’t bother arguing with the lure of it, throwing about petty phrases like “me time,” because you know you’ll give in eventually. Procrastinate later.

Step 2: Search for the words “urgent” or “emergency.”

You are a writer. Lives depend on your services. Somewhere in the black hole of your inbox will be someone whose very next breath depends on your ability to Google “raw milk production” and produce a well-researched article on statistics that don’t exist.

Step 3: Feel obligated to respond.

You may think it can wait until tomorrow, but why fool yourself? This man is dying for knowledge. Isn’t it your job to educate him? Or at least not leave him hanging?

Step 4: Agree to do just one thing.

Once you’ve made contact, you’ll know where this is going. As he whines about the prices of the timeshares in Arizona, interjecting a random thought about that rush job here or there, you’ll know where you’ve gone wrong. But there’s no going back now. Your billable clock is ticking.

Step 5: Repeat as needed.

If by some chance you manage to satiate his hunger for human contact before sundown, don’t fret. That tiny flashing envelope will reappear in the corner of your screen before long.

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