Freelanceaholic: a word made up by a freelancer who works too much
Are you a workaholic freelancer who wants to recover? Now you can, in 10 easy steps! Alcoholics might need 12 steps, but we overachieving freelanceaholics can hack it in 10! I’ll even through in a free bonus!
(Disclaimer: the information below is intended for entertainment purposes only; I take no legal responsibility for your actions if you’re actually stupid enough to follow my advice and decide to sue me later. Thank you; please drive thru.)
1. Go to the nearest large body of water. Take your cell phone out of your pocket and throw. Watch out for fishermen.
2. Change the number to your home phone and don’t give it to anyone — ever. In fact, don’t memorize your new number; don’t even write it down. That way you won’t be able to give it out.
3. Change your email address and IM handle to something really girlish, like CatLovinGrrrl2007, even if you’ve got boy parts.
4. Make your signature line really awful. Something along the lines of “Honk if you still sleep with yo mama” usually works well.
5. Think up pet names for all your clients, like Butterball or Sugar Lickin’ Good, and address them as such.
6. If they seem turned on rather than appalled, try the same names out on their significant others. Make sure to call them at home, preferably in the middle of the night.
7. Still can’t shake ‘em? Stop using the letter E in anything you write. Once they get the first article titled T_n M_thods of Firing Los_r Cli_nts they should get the hint.
8. If they’re still begging you to work for them, start invoicing them multiple times per job. Set up an auto-responder to keep reminding them of their unpaid balances, even after they’ve already paid.
9. What do you mean they still love you? Ok, it’s time to break out the heavy artillery. Xerox a copy of your private parts (the hairier the better) and fax it to them marked URGENT.
10. If all else fails, cut your internet connection. Then drive an ax through your computer monitor and throw your hard drive into the fireplace.
Bonus Step: Sign up for Netflix. Play the movies while you’re working and write the cost off as a business expense.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
I love #10. And I have my new name, thanks to #3:
Gig4Hire1969@aol.com
Thanks for a great and very entertaining post, Amy!
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
(Disclaimer: the email address above does not exist, or if it does, it isn’t mine!)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
Oh no! LOL! You need to create it now just to see how many offers you get!!
I think I might, just to see who responds…
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
Too funny, we need to pass this on to James.
Harrison McLeod’s last blog post..How to Stay on the Slopes when You’re Dealing with an Avalanche
Harry, your 13.2 thing would have worked well here. I was too tired to think of 3.2 more things though…
That’s the beauty of the 13.2 method- you don’t have to finish the list if you run out of reasons.
Harrison McLeod’s last blog post..How to Stay on the Slopes when You’re Dealing with an Avalanche
LOL. I’ll have to remember that for next time. Maybe that’s how the average person ends up with 2.3 children??
The “13.2 method” is how I ended up with four children, be careful…
j/k I love all of them
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
I don’t think I have to worry about accidental breeding… But thanks for the heads up. LOL
Yes, you should be okay, thankfully merely chatting with a triplet + one dad is still safe that way…
(or I’d be in a *lot* of trouble)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
Yes, you do get around.
I can’t help it, it’s the new email address…
Gig4Hire1969@aol.com
Yes, that’s
Gig4Hire1969 AT aol DOT com
Only $199.95 per hour (hey, I’m easy but I’m not cheap)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
Amy,
#3, 6, 7 had me choking on my soda. LOL!
Two days later, you know #11: Put your head up your Twitter and bill clients for your new “project.”
Love this post!
Regards,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Engineering Delight: Interactive Experience
@Kelly - yes!! And 12 apparently is to outsource Brett…
You have now been promoted to Voice of Reason. Your pedestal is forthcoming… as soon as I get back in town Saturday.
Ack! I’ve been outsourced!
What am I to do now?
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
Thanks. I will look forward to my pedestal (in a nice shade of peacock, perhaps?).
Have a nice daytrip.
Later,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Engineering Delight: Interactive Experience
@ Kelly: congrats on your peacock pedestal!
(gosh you look tall from down here…)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
Kelly - perhaps I am stuck in the 80s, but last I heard peacock was a bird with a feather-butt. What shade will this translate into on the color chart? I wouldn’t want to make a mistake… You are the customer service blogger after all…
Brett - You are my new speed reader coffee server blog commenter. LOL
I figure at this rate I’ll be commenting on blogs before the posts get posted…
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
Arrgh, your comment form can’t remember my info if I close the page so I keep having to retype everything.
Amy,
If you haven’t been lately, go the the MCE Blog and read What’s Hot Now. Certain Men With Pens who shall remain senseless are mentioned (twice), as is peacock.
All will make sense after that.
Be sure to click on the link to Chris Brogan’s blog redesigned with a peacock header, it’s really slick.
No, really, bedtime.
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..Engineering Delight: Interactive Experience
Oh, oh, my comment isn’t here. Either you moderate linked comments or it’s in your spam filter.
I’ll find out in the morning.
*yawn*
Kelly’s last blog post..Engineering Delight: Interactive Experience
Worse, now it’s here and I look like an idiot.
Good night!!!!
Kelly’s last blog post..Engineering Delight: Interactive Experience
It’s my fault Kelly. I was reading so fast there was a distortion in the space-time continuum and your comment got stuck…
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
Kelly - please blame Harold. He made this blog.
(note to self: having someone to blame is fun!)
I will look at this post of yours when I have had enough sleep for words to make sense. Or Saturday, whichever comes first! LOL This conference will be over by then, so at least I will be back in the right time zone and with a proper Internet connection.
PS I will think of you as I put on the icky suit tomorrow. You’re the only person I know who likes suits!
Ok, bed for real now.
@Brett - no commenting before I post things please. I question my sanity levels enough already!!!
To bed I said.
First…I’m liking the new look lady!!
Second…I think your “scale back” attempt sums it up well.
Now…get to bed.
Grandy’s last blog post..The One about Grandy in the Trash
Hi Amy,
Better late than never…
Happy I can F*** COMMENT! Harold did a nice job. I like his work. Now we can hold hands in WP land and give eachother advice. I tried to get Kelly to come along, but she wants to TP. I had to look up TP because I thought it was something you throw in your tree. E
Ellen Wilson’s last blog post..The Birds Are Singing!
Grandy - PSSST. C’mere. *pulls aside to whisper* Stop titling your posts so funny while I’m drinking my coffee. LOL
Ellen - Glad you can finally comment!! I have no idea why your comments wouldn’t go through on the Blogger blog. About TP — I’d have thought the same thing btw — many of the lawyers I blog for use typepad, and I kind of like it. But don’t tell the Wordpress Police I said so.
@ Amy - with great restraint, I held off replying to your comment about my not commenting before you post until after you had commented…
and with that distorted comment, it’s time for another cup of coffee! Hope you’re having a good day…
@ Ellen - at my house TP is not something you throw in the tree either, as the blondies have already flushed 6 rolls of it down the toilet and given the plumber a lot of business…
Brett Legree’s last blog post..the road ahead.
Okay, this was a frightening post. I mean seriously. By number one, I was like, WHAT?! THROW OUT THE CELL PHONE?!!!
*groans*
I’m not an addict, I’m not an addict…
James - pssst… The first step is admitting you have a problem… Of course, some may say Fukko is the problem… *mutters something about fear of clowns*
Typepad sucks. Sorry. So does Blogger. Get off them, people. Be user-friendly. Be free. Be my friend.
And I do *not* have a problem. No. That’s like admitting I’m a gentle, quiet soul who has trouble speaking in public. Ain’t gonna happen.
James Chartrand - Men with Pens’s last blog post..How to Accomplish Your Dreams
I had no problem throwing away the cell phone. The one I have now is only a back up or for emergency use when I’m out on the road in the middle of nowhere.
Harrison McLeod’s last blog post..How to Accomplish Your Dreams
Well considering I am typing this from my iPhone…
Hehehehehe.
Yap it up. You know you wanna.
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